Change is Gonna Come

Having an autistic child has forced me to change for the better. I do not like conflict. I will compromise and revise my opinion to avoid having other people mad at me. I tend to be a very task oriented individual and will focus on the goal rather than building relationships. Unless you are very close to me, you will not know how shy I really am; how insecure I really am.

For my son, I have changed into a fighter when I need to be. I have dealt with strangers, teachers, therapists, and heads of departments if I believe Kyle will be helped. He cannot fight for himself so I must fight for him.

I am a self-proclaimed wimp. I rarely stand up for myself. I avoid confrontation until I feel there is no other way. That changed the night someone talked about my son in front of me a few years ago. I went home and wrote the following entry.

I decided to take my two children to the local Borders to pick up a book for my brother-in-law. I did not take my children out often alone. Since Kyle is autistic he can have fits at the slightest provocation. My husband travels every week for work. Despite my lack of sleep due a master’s program and work, I thought we could turn the simple errand into a nice bonding moment. I wanted to pay for the book first before spending time reading to my children. My children were excited to be out and were a little active. As I was about to step up to the counter, a man told me that he had been first and the woman before me had cut him. Would I mind if he went first. “Of course not,” I answered as I stepped back into line.

When I stepped up to the counter, my son decided to run around the display counter. As I spoke to the cashier, I heard a sharp voice, “Watch out! You almost ran into the pencil!” I turned to see an annoyed woman rolling her eyes at me. I picked up my daughter and held onto my son’s hand. Then I heard her talking about “…this generation does not know how to control their kids.”

Furious I turned and looked her straight in the eyes, “I can hear you.”

“So. You should learn to control your kids.”

“I’m sorry. How many autistic sons do you have?” By now my heart was thudding in my chest. I couldn’t believe the words were coming out of my mouth.

Our exchanged continued until my transaction was completed. Even now a few hours later, I can barely remember the words. I stepped to the side to let her pay as I tried to calm my voice for my children.

Determined not to let her upset me, I stayed in the store and read to my children as planned. A few women gave me sympathetic smiles, and one even told me to not let the other woman get to me.

I cried about the incident while speaking to my husband. I cried after speaking to him.

I think what I am angriest about is I said the wrong things to this obviously unhappy person. I regret that my comeback was such a knee jerk response. I feel that I jumped to justify his behavior too quickly.

I should have said, “Excuse me. I know you see disobedience, where I see confidence. I know you cannot possibly understand what we have been through the past year. I know you cannot know how my son talking jibberish is a major step in his development. He is actually excited to be out in public, instead of screaming from moment we leave home until the moment we return home. His every social interaction is a blessing to me. Your small mind cannot possibly comprehend how proud I am to be his mother. You will never know how many fights I have had with agencies on his behalf. You will never know that he will struggle for the rest of his life with what you take for granted. For the rest of my life, I will not take anything for granted. I will celebrate his every accomplishment no matter how small. I thank God every day for his life. I thank God every day that he chose me to be Kyle’s mother. I have become a better person since he came into my world. My mind has opened to the possibilities of this world. I have realized how much I have to learn from him. As I walk away and you are still muttering under your breath about what a bad parent I am…I don’t care. My son needs me to go read him his favorite book.”

It was a minor incident really. I should have ignored her. I do not know why I let some stranger upset me so much. However, since that night at Borders, I have a confidence I never imagined before Kyle. I try to give him space to fight his own battles. I don’t want to be a helicopter parent who hovers over her children. However, I have gained the tools I need to protect him when necessary.